The Year I Was Seventeen
Life was simple and tame. It seemed that everyday in the strange city was a test against patience. I became numb with the flow of time…
I wouldn’t recall with nostalgia. My eyesight had become dim and smile was getting commercialized.
In this city which kept changing everyday, I had no time to ferfect my heart… Sometimes, I would do some writing. The nicety at one time and the puisne impulse appeared in my mind. Reading the previous daily, the faint memory show up clearly…
That was a period of both torture and happiness…
The days of the freshmen’s admission passed slowly. I was a quiet girl. But you have to communicate and acquant with other people if you enter a new environment. Thus, people won’t think you isolate. Therefore, I had a good relatation with others. I lived against the grain in that disordered school. However, I had to went into their circle, sufferingly.
Maybe because I was larruping, many pursuers show thaeir to me. But it wouldn’t make me happy. I could chat with them friendly for this was my basic convenance. I was exclusive fromthem in my mind…
Inborn loneliness made my fall in love with the internet. I wouldn’t care of others, I could get rid of the jealous thinking and I talked what I thought. At that time, my net name was “Crystal Love” only for I like the jelly of that brand. I was searching in the internet planlessly. Suddenly, a name “Fixedness in Llifetime” flashed in the scream. I added him as my friend without hesitation. We greeted each other simply. Gradually, we started communning. For most of the time, I said, he listened wothout complaint…
I had never imagined him as a perfect man. He was simpleminded. He listened to my talking and felt my happiness and bother. One day, he mentioned his love--- a beautiful girl had seized his heart, but he didn’t dare to touch her since he was afraid of spotting her. He didn’t know how to deal with his emotion. He was always felt self-contemptuous. He thought he couldn’t match that girl. Even more, he was fear to frightened her after his expression. He was painful silently. He looked so helpless. I didn’t know how to comfort him. I encouraged him to say his love to that gir, but I didn’t know if I really wanted to do so. I was a little afraid of losing him…
Gradually, I realized that his story was becoming more and more strange, so that I thought it happened near me. I tried to get her name.
Oh, my god! He was my classmate , the quietest one of the faction. And that girl was me.
I hadn’t been to the internet for a week or so. I was just thinking about his words and his concern on me that I had never paid attention to. I laughed at my fool. How couldn’t I feel the sensation. I loved him in the internet instead of the real life. What should I do? I felt I was at sea for a long time. Actually being loved was much more suffering than love. My thought gradually become clear. But love is always blind. I still loved him. Although he was a member of the gang, he was quiet and unagressive. He wouldn’t ride roughshod over others. He had the style of the head. I had the impression that he was not bad. However, I had never thought of his becoming my boyfriend…
That day, I open my mail box, finding his message. He said he was afaid of losing. What he owned was few. He didn’t dare to approach because of fearness. Instead, he just let the intangible miss torture himself. He wanted to keep silent forever…
I didn’t want to lose either. I didn’t need his silence for my thought had been ebullient. Later, our eyesight met for several times at campus. He always dodged from me as if he was at a loss. He became nurvous. I smiled to him and went over to talk to him…
In this way I broke our silence… chatting in the real life intead of the internet…Therefore, I eliminated his fearness and we became boyfriend and girlfriend…
It was happy times when we were together, even though others didn’t understand our affection. He also beared a lot of press, but he was kind to me,which had exceeded all the word…
He knew what I liked and disliked. I became his sun in life. He bought me pink “crystal love” everyday, crazily running in the hillside with me , and accompanied me to see the sunset and to walk in rain… However, he had never promised me anything. I had never required for anything. Maybe, at that time he knew that he couldn’t give me everlasting love…
That day in that year, I stood by the glass door in the teaching building, watching him being beaten by five men. He locked the door from outside so as to protect me. There was nothing I could do. I’d like to hug him and replaced his pain. But I couldn’t. I’d like to stop them. But I couldn’t… His pain and my pain agonized my heart…
He had a chance to beat back when they were ready to stop. He took out a dagger, infixing it to the man who bit him the most seriously, once,twice…
For a flash, I felt dark…
He looked at me with helplessness and regret in his eyes, which made me lose my head. He told me to leave there quickly. I shaked my head desperately. I knew that he couldn’t linger. I also knew that we had no future…
He was dismissed. The gang ouside searched him here and there. I was worried about him. About one week later, that was the longest week in my life, I asked for a silk leave and waited for his call at home. I answered the telephone jumpily. I went to see the computer if there was his message every seconds. I got his message at the seventh day…
It was dark and cold. I saw him squating at the corner, smoking. This was the first time I sae him smoking after we were together…
Seeing his messy appearance, I cried. He said nothing but lowered his head smoking. Smoked in silence…
“I have to leave here.”
Only at this time did I noticed his baggage behind him. I said nothing with my tears down…
“Take good care of yourself. These are what you like best.” He open the laggage. What inside were pink “crystal love”…
I cried crazily… I wanted to change the dark of the night. I wanted to change the silence of the night…
“I could give you nothing except these.”
“Take me away with you.”
“I have no future. How can I ruin your future?”
Long silence. My tears couldn’t change the night. It was still dark and quiet, thus tears’ drippy voice could be heard…
I accompanied him to the railway station. There were few people in the waiting room…It’s very cold…
I asked if he would come back. He said he didn’t know. He wanted to go back to his mother. It was far from here, and I knew that he wouldn’t come back again…
I took his hands and wanted to leave with him when the train was about to leave. He touched my hair softly. I closed my eyes, and he kissed my forhead gentlely. I had thought that he would kiss my mouth, but he didn’t. He had never done that. He kept fearing, fearing about today’s coming. He knew that he couldn’t make me live a happy life and that he couldn’t give me future and foreverness… We loved each other simply, simply happily…
He left without any promise. I stood at empty platform, watching the train leaving. He took away my love and my heart, leaving only the empty shell and the trunkful “crystal love”…
I was seventeen at that year…
It has passed for three years. We haven’t connected with each other. I don’t knw how he is and where he is. I have asked about him from his friends, but he disappeared from my world…
I always miss him. But I have no courage to support that love and that moved… I think so he does…
If one can live a bit mazely, maybe he or she can be some more reaxed…
I don’t want to badge with the past… that annoyance which can’t be tidy up…
Many unforeseen events will happen in one’s life, and some time in disorder will come…
Just like my love… leaving distress or beauty… I think I can’t distinguish… in a word, that is an unforgetful affect…
Suffering, tasting, and then understanding…

(Translation/Meng Xiaoli )

Source : Women’s Home Club Nvxing.com